Just a Few Thoughts

Love- something everyone in the world wants, regardless of ethnicity, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, religion or any other factor. It’s embedded in every genetic code to want to be loved by someone in some way. Where we all differ is in the way in which we want to be loved. Some want to be loved and revered like a god, some want to be loved at a distance. Whether you’re searching for that Edward and Bella Cullen love (no judgement) or something more along the lines of Lisa Simpson and Milhouse, I believe that you are entitled to that love. You have the right to look all over the world for it, and never settle for anything that does not align with your idea of love. Me being a fan of definitions, must first decide on what love looks like to me personally.

This is a concept that I’ve only recently embraced. When I was younger, my self confidence was entirely too low to even have a desire to develop my own concept of how I wanted to be loved. I simply accepted whatever came my way, which resulted in the disaster known as my first marriage. Again I say, love looks different to everyone and this is what it looks like to me. Don’t worry if you disagree, that’s perfectly fine and in fact, expected.

First and foremost, love must be trustworthy. Trust is HUGE to me, considering that it has been broken by every man to enter my life. To say I have trust issues is a grievous understatement, but the right relationship shouldn’t challenge those issues. Side note- when I discovered my ex’s cheating, we adopted a “radical honesty” policy, meaning that his internet access was taken away, all of his passwords were surrendered to me, his computer usage was to take place in my sight, and his phone was to be submitted for random inspection at a moment’s notice. I’m not saying that everyone can do this, but in extreme circumstances, if both parties are agreeable to it, it does wonders for rebuilding trust. Second, love must be honest as this goes hand in hand with trust, in my opinion. Love must be equal- no one should give more than they receive or receive more than they give. Each partner’s love bank must be equally filled daily. If I am putting someone above myself and pouring out my love daily for them in everything I do, I expect the same in return. Otherwise, eventually, my love bank will run dry and I will have nothing to give.

Love must be Biblical- 1 Corinthians 13 Biblical, to be exact. I am paraphrasing of course, but it must be patient if I am going through the turmoils of life. It must be kind, always, in all things, in every manner of speaking and in every action. It must not be envious of me or any other individual in my life. It must not be arrogant or full of self pride. It must not be rude towards me, those that are an important part of my life, or those that are encountered on a daily basis. It must not be irritable, causing me to walk on eggshells. It must harbor no resentment. It will not take pleasure in wrong-doing, and will always live and delight in truth and honesty. Together, we will bear all things that come our way, believe that anything is possible, hope without reservation or fear, and endure this life together.

Wow. You would think that with expectations like that, I would be pretty happy. The problem is that I still am completely incapable of asking for these things. Maybe I haven’t overcome as much of my self esteem issues as I thought I had. I won’t budge on the trust or honesty, so I at least have that going for me. The equality leaves something to be desired, though. Maybe I’m just not good at noticing when my love bank is being filled, or maybe I’m just not grateful enough. Perhaps my expectations are much too high, and I should never hope to find this kind of love. I need to be told that I am appreciated every day. I know that I should probably “just know,” but I still need to be told until I KNOW beyond any reasonable doubt. I know it’s not his job to tell me that I’m beautiful every day, or to make me feel beautiful because again, I should know this for myself, but I still need to hear it. I also know that kindness will not flow out of every single word or action, and I know that kindness cannot be forced, but it would be nice at least part of the time.

Again, it is a physical impossibility for me to ask these things of someone. I believe that it is also completely impossible to find these qualities in any other person. There is no such thing as a perfect person or perfect relationship. Hoping to find all of these qualities at one time in one person is like finding a unicorn. Until then, all anyone can do is work on possessing as many of these qualities in themselves in order to present a potential partner with your best self. As far as the love you accept into your life, that’s up to you.